push, pull, adjust, align

All I wanted to do was get out of the house (all i want to do is get out of this house)...get some air, find some distraction.  I figured out a way to have my car door at least keep itself closed halfway so it hopefully wont fly open, and then I was going to put some gas in it.  When I pulled out of the garage and tried to shut the door...it stopped and went back up.  I got out and looked at it and a couple of the wheels were out of the tracks and a piece was bent pretty badly.  I pulled my car back in so it wasn't in the alley and spent about 20 minutes trying to fix it with all sorts of tools and pounding.  I tried shutting it again and more went wrong.  Loud banging, scratching, things falling apart.  The only thing I could do was pull it down manually, which was nearly impossible.  I had to push, pull, adjust, align and pull some more.  I finally got it closed, but not without jamming it with pieces of wood to keep the top from falling into the garage.  I was probably out there for about an hour.  I came back in the house, more defeated than when I left.  What can I do?  I wish we all had one chance to go back in time. 6 months...a year. This isn't a rehearsal, but wouldn't it be nice if it was?  If one more thing malfunctions or gets in my way, Im just leaving.

The trees creak with arthritic arms.

Brittle in their powdered bark.

Blue moon light, I can't cry right, but I miss you tonight.

Everything here's about to break.

I'm one inch from more than I can take,

and it's beautiful and sad, but it's all that I have.

So tonight, I'll stay inside.

There are things that I'd like to try with you, but I stay inside.

Tonight, I'll stay inside.

I wanted to share this with you:

a bit ironic

just stumbled upon this in an interview...


Blake Schwarzenbach of Jets to Brazil on the song "cat heaven":
"Well, it was an actual dream I had up in Nova Scotia. My cat had died the year before, so it was kind of a medley of melancholy... dreams that incorporate the cat but also a lost love. And the idea of this reward in heaven, that in my waking life doesn't seem to be there. It was just kind of like a really sad utopian dream where you have everything you want and then you wake up and it's not there."

fuckin-a

   I guess sometimes you really have to laugh at how everything continually goes wrong at once to avoid curling up and dying. Yesterday the cat shit on the bed, today she pissed on it.  No idea why, this has never happened before.  I didnt have any paper towels, so as it soaked into my mattress I took the last of my cash to go to walgreens.  Earlier today I went to let my dog out and on the way back my car door wouldn't close.  Now the latch is broken so I had to hold it shut while looking at the check engine and gas lights and listening to the german la cucaracha remind me my door is open.  Its difficult to not appear a martyr when things are so messed up.  Im actually a pretty positive and happy person, I think.  Its just really hard to be like that right now and even when I am it feels fake.  I saw this on post secret and its kind of how I feel.  In a different light of course.  

                                                                                              Fuck you January 2011.






                                                                        

                            On a lighter note, this will always be amazing.

                 




                                    


                                            

the need to be numbed.  ive discovered the road but after i lost the keys.  i have to start running.  destination known but the paths not complete.  completely, complete me.  held back to hold on (so wrong) lost out now its gone. communication, interpretation, desperation.  i was pushing against an open fence.  now stuck and stiff unwilling to quit, digging deep while one end is lit.  how is it so possible to defeat and turn and neglect the things and the people we love and need.  how do we come to places where words don't mean a thing and actions aren't allowed to breath.  be careful about being careful - they cant see in your soul.  let it out all the time and take it and give it, you cant rewind.  showing is the telling, telling lost its strength.  but you cant show unless someones looking.  don't find it all when you no longer have the place to put it, because forgiveness is different than turning away.  there is no moving on, only a lying darkness and a wishing pond.  and if you choose to lie, you choose to die.

the answer to happiness is that there is no answer.  stop looking.  don't wait.  just dive into passion, creativity, and kindness.  let yourself smile while you can.  maybe thats the answer.  you could be gone tomorrow, they could be gone tomorrow.  follow your body and heart.  fight for what that brings you and don't give in to the rules and the 'answers'.  don't be scared.  this is all we have, find your own truth.  don't follow some iconic or idealistic quote or song or book or movie, because chances are you're only lying to yourself to feel contentment - just to find and have an answer or comfort for your situation. (you may as well calmly and blindly settle into a religion).  every single situation is different and unique.  and don't follow this.

G&G Olson - its the simple things.

     A couple of weeks ago I found a gift card that was in a christmas card holder.  It was one you get from a bank and preload to spend anywhere.  It said $100 from G&G Olson.  When I first found it, I was pretty excited.  I glimmer of luck in a desperate time.  But at the same time I thought - fuck, this is someones christmas present, its $100 from grandma and grandpa that they lost, and Im sure I could get it back to them.

I went to a site on the back of the card and found a way to log in with the card number.  It had someones address and phone number.  I know I could have gotten away with using it...and I could use any help I can get right now, especially with money.  I have 2 school loans, rent, electric, a sudden pile of hospital bills for over $6000, and $14 in the bank.  But I couldn't do it.

     So tonight I found the address and drove 30 minutes in dark, cold silence on a nearly empty tank of gas.  When I got there, I pulled in the drive-thru style drive way.  I saw the living room light on, and the glare of a tv framed by two large chairs slowing moving back and forth.  This was definitely grandma and grandpa.  Somehow they didn't notice the lights or hear the car.  When I rang the doorbell they didn't budge. I could see both of them and couldn't believe they didn't hear the doorbell or notice me standing there.  I rang it again and could clearly hear it from inside, nothing.  I thought maybe they were just ignoring it.  Either because they weren't expecting anyone, or because it was dark and late.  I was determined so I opened the screen and knocked on the door.  It had a large wooden 'grandma and grandpa' sign hanging on it. Then I heard some mumbling and heard the man say something like..."oh, it is the door I thought it was the tv."  They both came to the door.  I showed them the card and explained how I found it in Milwaukee and then found their address.  They seemed a little confused until the woman looked at it.  I pretty much had to help them by suggesting that they must have gotten it as a gift and it was lost.  They were shocked, but happy.  The tall, strong, old man looked at me with concern and sincerity and asked if they could do something for me.  I told him a smile and a thank you was good enough. He immediately shook my hand as the woman smiled behind him.  They both said thank you and the man said "wow, thats just great" a couple times as I walked away.  He stood in doorway and left the porch light on till I got in my car.  Then he stood in the window till I was out of sight.  

     I'm glad I didn't spend that $100 on things.  I still feel like I got to spend it. Its amazing how giving can still be so powerful even when you feel empty and like you have nothing to give.  And it wasn't really even giving, because it was never mine to begin with.  

unselfconsciousness - and letting yourself enjoy good things too

Ive tried my best to stay (personally) out of this virtual capsule that is the internet as much as possible.  

Ive done this for many reasons...

- it scares the hell out of me

- i find it almost inevitably self promoting

- the worry of getting too involved in such a lifeless endeavor 

- misinterpreted text 

- i could go on…

Yet here I am.  I think its partially because I feel so disconnected from people who are involved out here.  People that Id like to be more connected with. (thats what all this is all about, right?)  I also have an ever turning mind of feelings, thoughts and ideas...and as much as I vent those things privately, theres something to be said about sharing.  Thats something I've been craving to do a lot more of lately.  I think this will provide another outlet of some sort and push me to write more too.  

I also over analyze and am too skeptical about nearly everything, which I think has contributed to holding me back in too many ways...this has recently led to the decision that Ill no longer be so careful and quite - its brought on too much, and taken too much.  So I'm giving it a shot.  Realistically only a few people will read this anyway, which is fine...and maybe preferred.

I'm not really sure what will end up here...personal events, photos, music, ideas, concerns, questions, things that inspire and excite me...you know, what people use blogs for.  All while attempting to keep any negative ranting at a minimum.

                    

                                                  I'm Cole Haman, and thats who I'm going to be.