I think I'm generally aware, thoughtful and considerate - but I can also be a total jerk. I can come across as condescending, short and judgmental. Most of the time its probably because its something that I don't understand or cant relate to, which is completely unfair. I guess more than anything, what Im trying to say is Im going to try to communicate more and let myself laugh and enjoy things...try to not live life in my head so much. (one of the many things Ive learned that has had a regular and long term negative impact) The world is full of shit, and I know that. But it doesn't mean I have to soak in it all the time. Anybody that really knows me knows that I'm a huge dork and that I usually have trouble controlling my laughter. But thats only in certain circumstances. Theres something that happens when I'm around large groups, or people I don't know. Maybe I just get nervous because I want things to pan out in an ideal way. TOO CAREFUL. I suppose it happens around people and situations that I really care about too...which ends up giving off a negative or wrong vibe or impression. Im too cautious with the things Im passionate about. I obviously don't have this figured out. But I know I need to allow myself to enjoy things more, have more fun without worrying so much, and to speak up. Especially when its all right in front of me and I should be enjoying and nurturing it. (things wont just stay, and things wont just change) Right now is the hardest time to do that, but its also part of the reason I am where I am. I guess you get to a point where if you fall, its not that far anyway. Nothing is going to get better until I step up and make it happen. Its never too late, it cant be. Much easier said than done, but I don't have a choice.
I have such a strange mixture of emotions right now. Theres an overwhelming negative, melancholy, anxious, lonely, regretful emptiness. Then theres this calm but on edge excitement that has so much potential. Its the sort of feeling you have when you know what has to happen, what would make things the way they need to be, but you don't have total control over the outcome. Its an extremely uneasy and nauseating feeling. A positive negative, or a negative positive.
-just because you're a mess, doesn't mean you're wrong-
Ive always hated the pity that people generally show to someone whos unhappy. Most people seem to think that loss and sadness in someone coincide with ignorance, weakness, or unawareness. Like they're foolish and just need guidance. What about empathy? Sometimes things are just fucked up, and thats that. Maybe Im just still fighting the idea of looking at things in a light that I can live with. I know thats what people do, but that feels like such a lie. All or nothing. Nothings looking pretty appealing.
I suppose this makes me seem like a really angry, depressed, person. And probably pretty unstable, but we are where we are. Its also pretty much in complete opposition to the first thing I wrote. But I mean it all.
Somehow this has turned into more of a long whimpering journal, which ironically is one thing Ive always hated about the internet. But I suppose I dont feel like monitoring anything in my life anymore. And if anything, this is more for myself anyway...so for now this is whats happening. Im going to try and keep some sort of media in each of these posts. In part so that if someone is reading these splurges, theres something light and maybe interesting or entertaining.
I got locked outside the other day for about an hour. This was the day after the garage fell apart. I went out there to take a picture of a huge icicle, and when I tried to go back inside the door wouldn't open. Cant say I was too surprised. I wont get into all the details, but I was out there for about an hour freezing. I tried digging through snow to find a key I thought we had under a rock, then tried to break in a bunch of different ways. I finally Macgyvered (yea, thats right, I capitalized it) my way in through the sun porch after trying a slew of improvisational tools from the garage.
I then figured out that the day before I had been standing there tinkering with these...when the top one is depressed, you need a key to open the door from the outside even if its not locked. Now i know.
Then it snowed a lot, duh.
everyone was really motivated and ready to use their toys...
this makes it look like i didnt help, but i forced myself to
Im going to my dads to watch the superbowl. (yea, thats right, I didnt capitalize it) I remember the day they won it in 1997. I was 10 and remember being in the living room somewhat confused but excited saying "well now what!?...what happens now?". It was strange realizing that thats it, and they just try to do it again next year. This is probably when I started loosing interest in professional sports. It just didnt seem exciting anymore, and maybe a bit pointless? Maybe its the investment in things with a definitive end. Anyways...this was on my dads fridge during december:
What a guy.
Some people say I'm corny or I'm morbid.
I always thought I was touching, I was tragic.
One man's magic is another's plastic.
Well, which one is it?
Am I sweetness? Am I sickness?
If I say both, you will say I lack commitment.
Of course you're right. Of course I'm right.
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