bound to a tender existence

POUR IT ALL OUT. THEY DONT KNOW SO THEY'LL MOVE AND DOUBT. AND ONCE THAT FIRST STEP IS TAKEN, YOU WONT SEE IT, AND ITS TOO LATE TO BREAK IN.

today i learned that feelings can go unanswered, and that things can be taken away in a second. i learned that forgiveness and understanding are not always where you expect them, and that epiphanies can be empty, lonely dreams.  i learned that friends you've known for ten years can still slowly assist in tearing down all you hold dear, all behind your back, all without tact.  i learned that this can happen with soft lies and turning eyes in your bed by your side - oblivious. i learned that open communication and raw determination can save us, or leave us. i learned that words and reason can be met by a cold wall. i learned that promise, passion, and praise can be laughed at, and that love and compassion can disappear and aren't enough. i learned that photographs, sharing, growing and memories can loose their strength and be left with one face. today i learned that sometimes people just make a decision, and thats it - leaving possibilities and incomplete visions to sit. today i learned that you never really know anyone, not even yourself. i learned that what might mean the world to you, may be passively, ineffectively floating by another. today i learned words from an open soul may not mean a damn thing, especially if they're too late.  i learned that emotions and messages and smiles and friendliness can be left behind, forgotten and left out. i learned that no matter how rough things get, at some point there is no excuse, acknowledgement, or patients. today i learned how much ive really been fucking up for far too long, and the extent of the lonely regretfulness its brought upon. i learned that you can be full of light and confidence and strength and excitement and dreams and desire and ambition, until one piece doesn't fit. today i learned that you can be stable and optimistic one minute, then erratic and pessimistic before its finished. i learned that hope is one with time, and time is one with understanding and forgiveness.  and sometimes hope and time is all you have to lean on. today i learned that nothing is what you think it is, and that growing up is letting go and realizing how sad life really is - and you can except this, or live in the trenches. 

today i realized that if i am to survive, i have to compose myself and live a lie.

today i realized that i might be absolutely insane.

today i realized im alone. 

today i realized that no matter what, i have an honor and love so deep, that ill always be here within reach. i realized that im willing to step back and step down if theres no solid ground - for the good of the cause and the beautiful sound. today i realized that we all make mistakes, that nobody knows what they're doing, and theres no room for hate. i realized that words and tone can mean nothing, and movement and time can be prompting…that compassion, understanding, learning, and growing, can be a sketch to something worth sowing - a monument. 

today i realized that we're all completely wrong.

today i wrote and recorded this song:

ACHES

February 27, 2009, 2:57 am 

The aching will come

Before the night is over;

Passing hot waves

Through heavy shoulders.

My eyes will droop,

The silence will scream,

And I will fall far away

Into deafening dreams.